WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
(author unknown -- this was forwarded to me in e-mail by a friend, and I added a few of my own. It's nice to keep a good perspective on things)

The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov which, on the surface, appears to be helpful, but has the aroma of scare mongering in the style of the old nuclear war "duck and cover" advice back in the 1950s.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations:

	If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
	If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
	If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
	Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
	The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand.
	Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away!
	Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
	Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
	If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.
	Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
	After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
	If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
	If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
	If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
	If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
	If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
	Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
	A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
	If a chemical attack has melted your eyes, choke yourself until you see pretty colors.
	If you want to keep marauders out of your garbage or lunch, put radiation warning stickers on the containers.